Appears on Las Vegas or Bust
my baby she don’t want me
so I shouldn’t call her mine
[sometimes]
sometimes I don’t know where I am
fortune cookie told me
I may someday have new clothes
[thank God]
yeah, thank God
my shirts are full of holes
crack rocks in the bedroom
wigs on the floor
a five-piece drumset when you walk in the door
cat piss on a mattress
vomit on the wall
lotto tickets everywhere
it smells so bad
I should have stayed home
she takes a 9 volt battery
and sticks it on her tongue
[caffeine - my baby she don’t want me]
caffeine doesn’t really wake her up that much
she opens up her diary
reads every other page
[sometimes - fortune cookie told me]
sometimes she don’t know who she is
crack rocks in the bedroom
wigs on the floor
a five-piece drumset when you walk in the door
cat piss on a mattress
vomit on the wall
lotto tickets everywhere
Momma was right
I should have stayed home
Appears on Album, Overrated
a millennium hence you can be whatever you want
as long as it’s an HVAC technician or a watercolor self-portraitist
pick whichever one you think you’ll do the best
after hours the HVACers hold court on a barstool
on the verge of vomiting sage advice
almost but never quite
you get what you pay for except when you don’t
and the customer is always right
watercolor self-portraitists paint themselves and try to sell their work to others
nobody wants any, neither fellow painters nor the HVACers
but every now and then someone gives in
you know I’m an HVAC technician
if it weren’t for me your paintings would never dry
you should be thankful for air conditioning
you should be thankful I’m such a nice guy
your watercolor self-portrait looks exactly like you
I’ll frame it and hang it in my vestibule
vestibule
in real life I have a very good job
I’m a buddy flick movie plot concocter
a millennium hence you can be whatever you want
as long as it’s a librarian at the Self-Help Biblioteca
they don’t keep track of what you check out
here’s my idea for a buddy flick
a pantomime and a ventriloquist
one talks without moving his lips
the other moves without talking
their names are Pompous Ass and Penis Wrinkle, respectively
each is the other one’s sidekick
two more career paths just opened up
an author on the Early Modern English of Young Pup
or you can be the driver of the Church-and-State-Mobile
spend your waking hours behind the wheel
it’s a flatbed truck with a stage and a PA where people debate the separation of Church and State
in the second act, Pompous Ass and Penis Wrinkle decide to get into comedy
neither wants to be the straight man and neither is remotely funny
they’re about as amusing as the local news
rat infestations at burger joints and forgetting their cues
in real life I have a pretty good job
I’m a buddy flick movie plot doctor
I’m looking for work
I’m looking for work
being chimney sweeps is the next logical step
critics say they look identical
I say yep
by the closing credits one can’t tell the other apart
but I know how
stretch them out
Pompous Ass is a solid charcoaly hue
Penis Wrinkle betwixt the wrinkles looks brand-new
in real life I have a useful and fun job
I’m a headhunter for the future
Appears on Times New Reinfeld
I was a teenage math whiz
I could do problems fast and correct
now it’s one or the other, if that
one or the other
my reputation grew exponentially
before double digits I finished with school
and a strange man showed up at my door
then I left home
my folks needed money
was I really so bright
and did I believe my own hype?
I was a carnival math whiz
my stage name was Joe Fibonacci
I managed to memorize pi and all the prime numbers or else I’d go hungry
I knew .9 repeating was actually 1
but here’s what I couldn’t have possibly known
you can’t be a math whiz forever
you can’t be so right for so long
I’d get 23 chumps at my booth
and say “half and half odds two of you share a birthday”
364 over 365 times 363 over 365 times 362 over 365
lather, rinse and repeat till .49
I was a teenage carnival math whiz
but soon met my match in a horse they called Hans
clever enough to stomp my head while I was sleeping
now I’m a math whiz no longer
Appears on The Balladeer
am I who I think I am or what I appear to be?
have I lost the plot again?
consumed by a fantasy
I wrote my will today
nothing earthshattering
there’s so many bills to pay
no use in caterwauling
the moon waxes and wanes as I bury my pain under a mountain of methylamphetamine
each night it’s the same
stuck in a maze of the infinite frames of a stop-motion film of a mannequin
yet again
those flashes on the grass right there are the death of a lightning bug
we should be flying a kite somewhere by the grace of a parallel government up above
taxis and planes, jet packs, chairlifts and trains carry a mouse to the mouth of the cave of an elephant
the latter is afraid of the former who stays till nearly getting crushed by the pachyderm out of self-defense, panicking
the rodent’s conveyed to safety by a snake and a pelican
telekinesis through water onto the back of a dolphin
meanwhile the heavens are falling
Appears on The Great Communicator
divine penetration broke my momma’s hymen
so the story goes
Daddy’s up in heaven and Joseph’s in his room doing something
and the door’s not closed
the tabloids say I turn water into wine, yeah yeah yeah yeah
the tabloids say I turn water into wine
if that was true, I’d tell you what I’d do
I’d get a yacht on the river
eat up all the fish
life is good
it’s hard to think straight when you’re under the weather
and it’s hard to get excited when you got no place to go
everybody’s waiting for me to come back home
I don’t think I’m leaving
now I’m of the persuasion that there ain’t no such thing as a hopeless sinner
I mean you pick your fights, cut your losses, that kinda thing
but when it comes down to it, you’re really just a pile of bones
vulture food
Appears on No Destination
I used to go into the city
back when I couldn’t drive a car
and I asked my parents if I could walk and they said son it’s way too far
so I took public transportation
now I got a hundred stories to tell
’cause listen strangers can be fascinating if you ignore their smell
this one dude was trying to convince me Kansas City was really in Maine
I turned to my left smelled gin on his breath
just another drunk on the train
the train it pulled into the station and a preacher got on with his wife
the doors started to shut
she held them open for him
and he said Angela, you saved my life
now I’m never gonna die
holy salvation
I’m never gonna die
sometimes I think I need a reason
observing people’s hidden pain
I’m the judgmental eyes of the city train
Appears on Skeletons
every day I go to work
gets me that much closer to tripping off the edge like a deserted soldier
every time I wish things weren’t the way they are
it just gets worse
no matter who I meet I know they’re out to get me
and now that I’m free
I ne’er felt more constricted
every time I ask God for another way God says no
Jane, I got a temper but you can be my friend
there’s room for one more in my lonely life of sin
every time I wish things weren’t the way they are
it all blows up and I can’t take it
I’m not a hypocrite ’cause I can’t remember what I said back then
so how could I contradict it?
each and every time superstition keeps me down I can’t see
when I’m with you the world is not as ugly
and just ’cause I’m a fool doesn’t mean you’ll ever catch me smiling
when I watch the evening news and the captain kills the clown
no one mourns and I’m in stitches
Jane, I got a rifle but you can be my friend
there’s room for maybe one more in my lonely life of sin
in my own sick way I’ve found my peace of mind
no matter what goes down I can’t stop laughing
Appears on re-Itori Pleads the 18th Dimension
those long fitted sheets for college dorm beds are useless
they never stay on the mattress
they never stay on the mattress
they slide off with a quickness
they never stay on the mattress
well I’ll let you in on one of the university’s best-kept secrets
a select few of us use those sheets to get around campus
you walk to and fro with your feet here it’s bigger than Texas or Kansas
if you want to beat the rush at the late night mess hall for grub
it’s simple, pal
just join Collegiate Gliders Club
if you’re curious meet me on the quad at 0200
I’ll introduce you to the club president, Mildred
under penalty of death what I say must not be repeated
do not not tell student affairs you were hazed or mistreated
we initiate, we do not haze
I digress
nevertheless bring a fitted sheet and an open mind
empty your pajama pockets and leave your friends behind
and make sure when you come that this waiver is signed
“I, your name, release Collegiate Gliders Club of all liability
whatever transpires, whether it be dismemberment or personal injury, the Club will be not held responsible”
hi, I’m Mildred, so glad we could finally meet
I sure am relieved to see you brought the right kind of sheet
stick your hands in it right there inside the elastic
now spread your arms wide like this
wide as you can, fantastic
aerodynamics are paramount, grace and efficiency next
flexed muscles are fine but let’s pretend that we’re insects
now let’s look at the back of the sheet
holy mackeral I’ve never seen so much dandruff
you should try a shampoo
shake it out good enough flap your arms, flap
conventional wisdom has it that what goes up must come down
that’s called birdma like dogma for birds
singular noun
not dogma, I mean karma
we’re at college
that’s a play on words
like a chicken cow a pack of vultures or a vampire bat
a commercial jet a pterodactyl or a winged rat
let’s call a spade a spade and a frat a frat
hand me that campus relief map and the flipbook stat
now imagine your arms are wings and flap
regular sheets won’t do the trick
you need the fitted type
our faculty advisor told us that, being an expert on the mechanics of flight
most student organizations are only an excuse to get trashed
Collegiate Gliders Club slashes your travel time in half
compared to the speed of pedestrian traffic the speed of gliding is unsurpassed
it’s the best way to get from point A to point B depending on the forecast
Works Cited: we got the idea for the club from a World Lit class called
Near-Future Fiction from the Recent Past taught by Professor Tipperton
I refer you to the syllabus which contains the course materials
Collegiate Gliders Club for life
Appears on No Destination
lately I’ve been spending time in bed
sleep the years away
lately I’ve been running from the law
’cause words can kill like a shotgun suicide
you know I’d love to see you cry
sometimes my mind just flies away
I’m not a lunatic
I swear to God I’ll be okay
your tears are poison
your words can make me numb
novacane is my religion
now see what I’ve become
piso mojado man that floor is so wet
I said hope I don’t slip on it and break my little head
used to walk on the floor
don’t do it anymore, no
Appears on Winning Is Rhyming
it all started back when I was 16 years of age
a retail summer job making minimum wage
I sorta lost my balance and I broke a TV
sold it to a customer and kept the receipt
I’m a con man
used to live in an apartment off of ventura boulevard
I smoked up a former child star and took her credit card
there’s some other things I can’t talk about
I wonder if she ever found out
not likely
I made a fortune off of pyramid schemes
bought a luxury sedan and built a time machine
went back to the date of my conception
somehow talked my parents into using protection
now I’m a ghost
the state charged me with crimes against humanity
my only choice was to plead insanity
a poster on the wall in the ward where I stayed said
“when life gives you hammers, make nailade”
Appears on Spring Cleaning
ah, circus monkey
ah, circus monkey
ah, circus monkey
circus monkey
blue caterpillar paid her kid her powder frizoon
blue caterpillar paid her kid her powder frizoon
those two kittens are literally making out
that’s so gross
those two kittens are literally making out
that’s so gross
yeah, that’s Mark and Laurie
we don’t
ah why’d you
why’d you not warn me?
those two kittens are literally making out
that’s so gross
yeah, that’s Mark and Laurie
we don’t
how do I pretend to forget to have forgotten her name when I never even knew it?
yeah, that’s Mark and Laurie
pretend to forget to have forgotten her name when I never even knew it?
we don’t
yeah, that’s Mark and Laurie
we don’t
that’s so gross
ah, fuck me
why’d you
why’d you
why’d you
why’d you not warn me?
ah, circus monkey
ah, circus monkey
ah, fuck me
ah, circus monkey
ah, fuck me
circus monkey
I don’t want choke on my tongue, you understand
Appears on Summer Jams of re-Itori Jones
all I wanted was a candy bar
I should have stayed at my car
stayed at the pump and just swiped my card
why are decisions so hard at the intersection of Main Street and Landfill Boulevard?
pay at the desk versus stay at the pump it was either or
10 feet of glass from ceiling to floor
I didn’t even need gas I was three quarters full
as a tinny voice up above sang
I walked in and the bell rang
it was the neighborhood hang
small talk abounds and I heard people saying
“I read the book
it was better than the movie
I saw the movie
it was better than the book so sue me”
while I was there with the cashier I heard someone scream
saw myself in the third person
thought it was a dream
huddled in with the others customers
first come first serve
our bodies give shelter
what’s the emergency number
and what’s that sound?
convenience store lockdown
another thing when I walked in somebody said “nice legs”
yeah I got nice legs but were they talking about me or was it a coincidence?
were they talking about me or were they talking about somebody else?
whenever I go out in public this always happens
I can’t pick an appropriate outfit
I can’t even pick
I can’t even pick cotton
I’m so ahead of the curve it’s a blurred straight line
violence doesn’t faze me
I’m as brave as a lion
I say I’m not scared they say that I’m lying
I say look at my goosegumps tell me I’m lying
hot dogs, soft pretzels, condoms, iced coffee
beef jerky, magazines, saltwater taffy
take a penny leave a penny
I’m not very mathy
decaf, please, thank you, blood bathy
Cathy is the name of my mom, I think
I washed her remains down the restroom sink
this decaf iced coffee is a good drink
message two from the whole group of people
“get lost mister and we won’t call the law
much as we like getting group hugs and kisses from strangers
you’re threatening us with a circular saw
our tactical concerns are such that facts don’t matter
these chemical burns make it tough to pick a straw
tough like leather
silent as lockjaw
let’s all die together and call it a draw”
Cathy’s on the path to enlightenment and eternal knowledge
plastic explosive on the emergency vehicle bridge
a former martial arts film star was the world’s quietest hostage
a martial arts film star long past his prime
remembered his life story in the nick of time
pulled nunchucks out from his back pocket
gouged the suspect’s eyes from his eyesockets
the waterworks came with red tears
he was bleeding or crying amidst hip hip hoorays and lusty cheers
legally blind it was time to shift gears
cleanup in aisle three would take three years
through the madhouse of mirrors everything but the truth appears
I imagined our corpses being sold by auctioneers
10 10 10 15 15 20 do I hear 25 25 25 30 going going sold to the gentleman who said 30
the accomplice to his crime of being a mama’s boy is gone
never again will she yell at him to mow the lawn
taking it out on society ’cause she called him a moron
he reached the end of the chessboard
no longer a pawn
who would press charges against a plainclothes cop?
who has the guts to make the pain stop?
the building topped off with blood and some of the hostages drowned
convenience store lockdown
smash the windows
thud crash
onomonopaeia
even a swimmer could have drowned
good idea
now we’re choking on broken glass
emergencies emerge fast
Appears on Album, Overrated
cool maximum cool maximum
this is the album with guitar bass drum
I’m at the interstate junction with a hitchhiker’s thumb
I did a group project on the Roman Coliseum
me gusta mas tapas compared to dim sum
no habla Español pero Señor I’m not dumb
at the school of hard knocks I’m an alum
a little shout out shout out to the neighborhood I come from
every now and then a ukelele I will strum
I always bite my tongue whenever I chew bubble gum
when I’m pirating pirate movies I drink red rum
when I get a cavity filled a shot makes my mouth numb
in Great Britain they call their moms Mum
my mother says hey son don’t look so glum
I say Mom it’s not like I’m a unemployed bum
I have a job at the factory making minimum wage and then some
my favorite fruit is an overripe plum
the bloodiest Civil War battle was at Antietam
there’s a city in New York I think called Needham Deedham
if you can’t join the joiners tell the beaters to beat ’em
they reported you stolen from the ugly museum
when I travel for work I get a per diem
you who hate people who misuse the word random
or who say the singular form of data is datum
or have convinced yourselves it’s bad to use the word um
you can’t split a hair so why split the atom
if you met Noah Webster he wouldn’t know you from Adam
your mom’s so old she could’ve been Mary Magdalene’s madame
before ballgames they sing the national anthem
Album, Overrated is my new ablum
cool maximum
cool maximum
cool maximum
cool maximum
cool maximum
cool maximum
cool maximum
cool maximum
cool maximum
cool maximum
Appears on Greg Reinfeld & the Opinionettes
what a pointless existence I lead
my earthly remains are a huge stack of timesheets
I’m a rodent with a carrot in my face
dreading tomorrow as usual
my trajectory as it stands right now
won’t get me anywhere
and whenever I get the notion to split
a two percent raise talks me out of it
as for alternatives my mind draws a blank
we could have a system of barter, right?
no no no last time we tried that it was cornbread for cornbread after a week
my alarm goes off at 5:26
I take the 553 at 6:26
I head northeast
then northwest on diagonal
then sit at a computer for 8 whole hours
my hands become cubicles
scooping out redundancies
stuffing 35 minutes in a half-hour sack
get aroused at the thought of efficiency
while HR tugs at my heartstrings
that I might take home more than minimum wage
and still no benefits?
I been here 8 hours
two dozen strangers with nothing in common
act like they known each other since they were kids
there will be no strike
there will be no uprising
Appears on Music for a Snuff Film
I’m all hung up on a ugly woman I
don’t know how to tell her how I feel
she must be as tight as a gymnast
’cause no one wants her
I had nobody else to talk to
so I left a message on her phone
and it went:
“when I played Crazy Eights with you you know I let you win
and when I ran out of cards you know I dealt myself back in
because I didn’t wanna leave you there with him”
I wonder
if I had friends
would they laugh at me?
got no psychiatrist to talk to
the smartest thing would be to let it go
there’s no deception here to see through
if she’s taken I don’t wanna know
Appears on Summer Jams of re-Itori Jones
in second grade for show and tell
we had to bring in a newspaper clipping
I did it, yeah
the one I picked was about a crime
I didn’t follow the story line
but the word crossbow caught my eye
there was a crossbow
first page when where what who
a man did something people shouldn’t do
with a crossbow and a girl but he didn’t shoot
why’s it so bad if he didn’t shoot?
I knew guns were bad but crossbows too?
I guess they’re bad if someone threatens you
I clipped the page and grabbed my glue
story continued on page D2
look for keyword crossbow
all caps, bold, small type, crossbow
I’m going to school for show and tell
I completed my assignment well
rubber cement sure does smell
I wrote my name and I know how to spell
I got second place in the spelling bee
lost to my classmate whose name was Ashley
she destroyed me on the word tomorrow
it has one M
I used two though
I look pretty rad with hair gel
I look pretty rad
everybody else had feel-good news
they were singing the feel-good news blues
food drives food drives every single one
a crossbow sounded a lot more fun
how was I supposed to know what rape was?
I never looked it up in the dictionary ’cause
why would I look up what I don’t know?
I don’t know I don’t know it, you follow?
what if I brought in my best friend’s toy crossbow?
I’m going to school for show and tell
when I hit third grade I’m going to show and tell hell
I was raised to keep my hands to myself
that man should have kept his hands to himself
he should have stayed home and played with his crossbow
he should have made it to with a bow and arrow
he shouldn’t have tried to do that to her
he shouldn’t have done it
story’s moral is he shouldn’t have done what he did
but he did what you did is you brought it in for show and tell
Appears on Bookbinding and Other Songs
in the faraway land of Ya’asha’wan Ta’ah
where stupidity masquerades as decadence
they have cussworthy habits and novelty sex acts
I present this not for my pleasure or yours
my work is that of a scholar
most notable first is the historic house
penetrate each orifice
pretend each is full of interesting facts
how has your social life been?
not very good
I’m a camel
I always spit
they have a tournament
rosy-cheeked butt babies
spank each other raw
no attempts made by men to hide gaseous releases
each man
each a walking talking chemistry lab
they have different thoughts on pedophilia
it’s not her current age
it’s her age as a widow
if she’s 12 and it’s serious and you’re 24
subtract 24 from your life expectancy
not so sick now, is it?
what we call robbing the cradle
they call a head start
advice column things are a function of time
it’s not cheating if you plan on calling it off
let’s take someone from our own hemisphere
a junior in college
he sings a capella and gets straight As
reminds me of me in my werestudent days
you wouldn’t know it to look but he’s foot fetishistic
he’s not turned on by feet, per se
he just remembers a chat with an ex about how creepy foot fetishes are
but she dumped him and ever since feet remind him of her
we all play out a stereotype
I’m the country doctor