Appears on Recording Artist
white king’s pawn up 1
black queen bishop’s pawn up 2
white king’s knight left 2 up 1
black king knight’s pawn up 2
white queen rook’s pawn up 2
black king knight’s pawn up 1
white king bishop’s pawn up 2
en passant
white king knight’s pawn up left 1
black king’s pawn up 1
white queen’s knight up 2 right 1
black queen out left 3
white king’s bishop out right 1
black queen knight’s pawn up 2
white queen’s knight right 2 up 1
black queen out left 1 check
promenade, do si do
hit that clock, hit that clock
run your opponent round in circles
hit that clock, do-si-do
white king right 1
black queen back right 3
white queen’s rook up 2
black king’s knight up 2 left 1
white queen knight’s pawn up 1
black king’s bishop out left 1
white queen rook’s pawn capture out right 1
castling king’s side
white queen right 1
black queen’s pawn up 2
white queen’s knight back 1 right 2
black queen out left 3
white queen’s pawn up 2
black pawn capture
white queen’s rook up 1
black queen’s bishop out left 1
promenade, do si do
hit that clock, hit that clock
run your opponent round in circles
hit that clock, do-si-do
white king bishop’s pawn up 1
black queen’s bishop out right 2 capture
white queen’s bishop out left 1
black king’s rook right 3
white queen bishop’s pawn up 1
black pawn capture out left 1
white queen’s bishop back left 1
black king’s knight up 2 right 1
white queen’s rook up 1
black queen’s bishop out left 2
white queen left 1
black king’s rook up 5 captures pawn
white queen right 1
black king’s rook right 1 captures pawn
white queen’s rook right 2
black queen’s knight up 2 right 1
promise not to kill your neighbor
kumbalayah kumbalaye
we aren’t really violent people
take your turn then have some pie
white queen’s rook up 1
black king’s bishop out right 3
white queen left one
black queen’s knight up 2 right 1
white queen out left 2 captures rook
black rook left 1
white queen out left 1
black queen’s bishop out left 1 check
white king out left 1 captures bishop
black rook up 6 check
white queen’s bishop out right 1 captures rook
black king’s bishop out right 2 captures bishop
white queen’s rook up 2 check
black king up 1
white king’s rook left 6
black queen back right 2
promenade, do si do
hit that clock, hit that clock
run your opponent round in circles
hit that clock, do-si-do
white rook up 1 captures bishop
black queen out right 4 captures rook check
white queen back right 2
black queen back right 1
white knight up 2 right 1 check
black king out left 1
white queen up 4
black queen left 3 check
white king out right 1
black pawn up 1 check
white king back 1 captures knight
black queen up 2
white rook right 5
black knight up 2 left 1
white queen up 2
black pawn up 1 promoted to queen checkmate
Appears on Tedium of Life on a Space Colony
I went to visit friends at my old job
it was a thought company
at least it used be a thought company
a think tank, officially
or so I thought
my old job had turned into a foundry
that’s industry speak for a font company
but that’s not why I went, honestly
it’s more that I was living in the past
I asked how’s business in the world of thought?
they said we got a NASA contract for the space shuttle launch
they gotta put text and a logo on the side and we’re the second lowest bidder
if aliens see them they gotta protect the brand
lest intellectual property fall into enemy hands
no bootleg font
no second-rate fraud
playing both sides against the middle
a feature-length film on bioluminescence
serif font in the opening credits
let’s not let upper management get ahead of us
keep both feet on terra firma
I read the non-compete clause on the day that I left
but at that time it wasn’t a font house yet
I’ll show you what I’ve done before shopping it around
you can have the first crack at it
I call this font Astrocasual
’cause when there’s work to be done it helps to relax
and this one is modeled after Saturn’s rings
perfect for marking up documentation
this one is made to look like a black hole
or a polar bear in a snowstorm
look at how the letters A and E run together
like like Greek mythology whence Cassiopeia
rewrite the Space Constitution in the present tense
don’t forget the funny pages
return on investment
people name their kids after cardinal directions
XYZ coordinates make no sense
and this is the straw that broke Andromeda’s back
you gotta choose between camelcase and all caps
first refusal is yours on these fonts
you can scoop ’em up if you want
Appears on Navigator
Gertrude is a cinnamon-taking punk
she did it for the first time on September 6th
it gave her a rush
a cinnamon rush
now it’s all she can think about
Gertrude's habit got worse as the months went on
her friends couldn’t stand it
they told her, “Gertrude, you're going berserk
Gertrude, you're going berserk”p>
she had an ornate blood compound
nobody knew how bad the stuff really was
like a monkey on her back but not a metaphor
have you ever met a cinnamon-taking punk?
did you do it ever?
do you remember the first time you did it if you did?
did it give you a rush?
did that cinnamon rush give you all the feelings you were chasing?
it was a cool drink
it was fun, I trust
and that’s the story of Gertrude the Cinnamon-Taking Punk
Appears on Music for a Snuff Film
why don’t you two get a room?
I’m sick of looking at you kissing and such
I’m so glad you’re in love
but to be quite honest, I don’t wanna see that
get a room
get a room, you two
they say “live and let live”
if this is living I don’t wanna know what death is
why don’t you two cool that down?
my virgin eyes have seen too much
it’s just like Mom and Dad
only this time I’m old enough to understand it
Appears on Open Mic at the Peliculum Attic Door
I won’t be reduced to some gangrene slob
get gone, diabete, get gone
I won’t be drawn and quartered or feathered and tarred
get gone, diabete, get gone
I won’t be a leech on my HMO nor a patient for leeching
won’t succumb to a diet of papier-mache
get gone, diabete, get gone
the Centers for Disease Control aren’t doing their job
got this insulin jones so unkickable
get gone, diabete, get gone
I won’t be turned into a three-toed sloth
get gone, diabete, get gone
I won’t be no Civil War amputee
get gone, diabete, get gone
put your tail between your legs and be outta my sight
and the horse you rode in on
I won’t sacrifice my king for a pawn
get gone, diabete, get gone
teenagers get off of my lawn
get gone, diabete, get gone
get gone, diabete, get gone
you runner-up to a dust mite
you backwoods inbreeding scalawag
you sorry excuse for a lymph node
you store-brand version of string cheese
you putrid dehydrated embryo
you lousy wannabe deer tick
you presumptuous out-of-bounds crummy expanse of a cheaply made two-door sedan
the Centers for Disease Control aren’t doing their job
they aren’t controlling much of anything
get gone, diabete, get gone
and the horse you rode in on
I’m buyin’ health food like it’s going out of style
get gone, diabete, get gone
cruising my cart down the health food aisle
get gone, diabete, get gone
it’s all seaweed and sea slugs and earwigs
and cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving
I won’t be drawn and quartered or feathered and tarred
get gone, diabete, get gone
this hypodermic syringe is my magic wand
got this insulin jones so unkickable
get gone, diabete, get gone
Appears on re-Itori Pleads the 18th Dimension
my sister made a gingerbread house for home ec but the dog ate it
which pissed her off, she got real quiet for a minute then her rage faded
anyway I randomly remembered that while passing through the kitchen last Thanksgiving
which got me to thinking a bit about the place I grew up in
only thing to do in this town is get high on one of the bike paths
and if you want to deal a little you learn how with a game on the graphing calculator you bought for math class
we name our elementary schools for astronauts
our artificial lakes are named after naturalists
we learn to drive stick shift in parking lots
and how to fist fight in middle schools named after poets
toking with your parents is the holy grail
I did that now let’s move this to a national scale
enough of that mid-sized petri dish
small pond small fish
you say love it or leave it, can’t you tell I’m being facetious?
politicians resort to cheap rhetorical tricks
addicted to approval reelection is their fix
celebrities mugging in plastic-framed shades
as tabloid reporters ask their boss for a raise
we number our wars with Roman numerals like there’ll only be handful in the end
if we don’t go extinct before the sun burns out it’ll be a miracle then again there’s only so much hydrogen
Planet Earth is a gingerbread house
it sure is delicious
but who would ever want to live in a house like this?
unless inside the house you grew your own cannabis
make your own pizza
sing your own song
roll your own reefer
pack your own bong
march to the beat of your very own drum
and if you don’t feel like marching eat gingerbread crumbs
cosmic crumbs like so much gingerbread dust
save some for the dog or eat it all if you must
death to bad metaphors
they’re no good to no one
double negatives offend you?
it’s not a math problem, son
yeah extended metaphors can be awfully fun
breaking the fourth wall
switch it up before the gingerbread’s done
up with rap music
down with MCs
up with anonymous mixtapes
down with dropping LPs
hip-hopping MCs gimme the keys
thank you and please
save the trees
with a rhyming dictionary I’m winning the rap spelling bees
walk with the winningest breeds
I’m a cool summer breeze
when the summer comes along I’m swimming like the manatees
I don’t pay any of them homeowners fees
I live with my parents, thank you and please
Mom and Dad’s house is a gingerbread house
my hometown is a gingerbread house
the Milky Way is a gingerbread house
gingerbread house
a gingerbread house with no surface to put it on
why would you have a jukebox with no with no songs?
Appears on Times New Reinfeld
it says in the Bible thou shalt not kill
but I can’t read and that’s God’s will
I’m gonna do what I damn well please and Jesus is my savior
started myself a little gospel band
spreading the gospel through this great big land
sleep in my shoes while my suit’s dry-cleaned and call home whenever I can
Word of God says thou shalt not steal
all I’m wanting is a home-cooked meal
I’ve wandered the desert for forty days
these hunger pangs making me crazy
got the voice of an angel and a switchblade
roaming the world the Good Lord made
concert promoters won’t pay up front
got their one-way ticket to Hell
Appears on The Great Communicator
15,000 volts to end my life
15,000 volts to make me die
and it seems I did nothing to deserve this but I did
tell my wife and kids I’m sorry
and all the while, the Governor’s sleeping
I know that he won’t make the call
15,000 volts to end my life
15,000 volts to make me die
and it seems I did nothing to deserve this but I did
and all the while, the Governor’s sleeping
I know that he won’t make the call
tell my wife and kids I’m sorry
Appears on Navigator
after the show we got a slice
the summer air was so nice
wives and girlfriends went ahead
we caught up with our friend Ned
a homeless man came up to us
asked for money ’cause he missed the bus
Ned said, what do you need that money for?
you did the same routine the night before
next we went west on U Street
trying to find the best Tex-Mex street food sushi
they texted us
we were late
made no difference to me
GPS took us to the gay bar
we did not go too far
something seemed off but we weren’t sure
then we could tell by the restroom decor
wallpaper with old-timey musclemen
at the urinal a guy said, "he looks like a man I knew way back when"
the handlebar mustache lifting barbells
a food truck outside sold spiced maple bulgogi bars
not bars like bars
like bars like granola
street performers playing viola
the coconut milk they sold was curdled
I heard the person before us say it was horrible
I heard it and I thought it and I bought it
now I’m covered in coconut vomit
GPS took us to the gay bar
coconut water and vodka in a Mason jar
we were too distracted to fix it
case in point: my driplets of vom led straight to the exit
we had the right longitude, right latitude
all I knew was that guitar I’d played that night was out of tune
they were in the same building but the top floor room
they might as well have been on the moon
on the train ride home in the next car a suspect dude doing chinups on a handrail bar
not bar like bar
like a bar like for safety
he had a scar on his face, straight crazy
entered our traincar
so CGI
a pixelated face
he was a squeaky guy
breathed down our necks and he sure was scary
asked if we were active military
we realized then that he was rabid
indefatigable
bubbles oozed like acid
colonies of germs in his mouth foam then GPS took us home