Appears on Gregereo in Stereo
Janet is nobody’s manager
the answer to a question that nobody asked
she basks in the glow of her hard-earned tenure, except not hard, it’s that she never left
you won’t catch her with an empty pitcher of pink lemonade
a crisp red apple hiding a razorblade
nativity scene in plain view by her desk
what a shame that she never left
worse than a con man she can cry on command
a wolf in sheep’s clothing with a villainous plan
knowing full well that her boss’s boss is unhinged instigated the former’s demotion
I screamed bloody murder but nobody heard me
went to HR and told them all I’d observed
the fallout from snitching might hurt ’cause Janet fights dirty and now it’s my word against hers
she says the right things to the right people at the right time
with her boss’s boss as a weapon it was the perfect crime
who would suspect a meek little granny like Janet
she’s a bittersweet candy
a tangerine banshee
to allow such chicanery how many demon planets aligned?
if the CEO caught wind of this and sent Jan down the elevator packing
nativity scene in a box she’d be fuming like a dragon
she’d contact the board and have them return the favor
who on staff would be the wiser?
she’s saintly on paper
the indisputable law of the universe one must not forget
we serve at the pleasure of Janet
Appears on What the Fuck are the Blues?
I got them weekender’s boogieblues
I got them weekender’s boogieblues
I got them weekender’s boogieblues
I got them weekender’s boogieblues
when Monday along i still got them weekender’s boogieblues
I got them five-seven Carolina boogieblues
I got them five-seven Carolina boogieblues
I got them five-seven Carolina boogieblues
I got them five-seven Carolina boogieblues
don’t ask what five-seven means
I got them five-seven Carolina boogieblues
I got the careful observer boogieblues
I got the careful observer boogieblues
I got the careful observer boogieblues
I got the careful observer boogieblues
be careful who you observe
be careful who observes you
you’ll get those careful observer boogieblues too
I got them streetcorner boogieblues
I got them streetcorner boogieblues
I got them streetcorner boogieblues
I got them streetcorner boogieblues
realizing that i missed the bus
the realization passed by
the realization that i missed the bus
as I see it go past
the realization go past
it sure resembles the bus itself
Appears on Electrocution vs. Henry the Weekday Dunce
a young and fresh elephant was living in Spain
set out to meet his fortune
he wanted to be the main attraction in the circus
but wound up behind the scenes
the ringmaster walked up with a bucket of soap and a ten-foot brush
handed these items to our four-legged friend
and said “welcome to the hippo pit
I hope you don’t fall in”
he paid his dues there and at the sea turtle pond
the turtles were acrobats in costumes
they would frolic in the mud while the elephant scrubbed them
his patience was incredible
once there was a lion
a baby lion
he wasn’t even qualified for elephant things
he marched into the ring with the fanfare blaring loudly
then the crowd stood still
he raised one furry leg onto a podium
and the crowd went wild
years rolled by
star elephants would come and go
our hero was filled with a deep jealous rage
he was overlooked so long
the moral of the story is as plain as can be
success may never find you
but sea turtles and hippos don’t know how to wash themselves
and can’t do stunts unless they’re clean
Appears on What the Fuck are the Blues?
what the fuck are the blues?
what the fuck are the blues?
70-year-olds with electric guitars making the craziest faces
I was arrested for playing the blues
I was arrested for playing the blues
a noise violation studying abroad
in jail I was nobody’s girlfriend
you get the groceries
I’ll read the new-uhs
you clip the coupons
I’ll keep the checkbook
headlines deadlines pie charts with captions
that’s why I’m singing the blues
what the fuck is a Greg?
what the fuck is a Reinfeld?
fuck if I know what a Greg Reinfeld is
it’s just what the orphanage named me
I’ll bring the tuneskies
you make the crab dip
I’ll set up lawn chairs and a volleyball net
you greet the guests and if anyone asks, say
that’s what the fuck are the blues
that’s what the fuck are the blues
Appears on The Great Communicator
the rhymes are forced and the words are insincere
but that doesn’t matter ’cause mother said I got things to say
wait till then
I go outside just to try and make a friend
but I couldn’t find one ’cause they scare me and I keep them away
you, you’re just a pawn
simple and afraid
Appears on The Great Communicator
bloodclots say that the politician lying
they don’t realize they’re not obligated to listen
numbskulls believe what the president say
it’s not my place so I don’t even bother
I’m lonely and I’m tired and I haven’t slept in days
burned the only suit I own
lit up my last cigarette
made my way back home
dogs barking but there ain’t nothing wrong
there ain’t nothing wrong
some folks tell you the apocalypse is coming
if that’s the case then why do they want my money?
I told the bossman I wanna get paid
he said “hey, why don’t you take it easy, baby?”
I wish I was a cannibal
stomach full of skin
I’d go buy myself a farm
make nice with the livestock
serve filet mignon
they’d think that there ain’t nothing wrong
there ain’t nothing wrong
Appears on What the Fuck are the Blues?
forgive me oh Father for I have sinned [under pain of economic duress]
forgive me oh Father for I have sinned [under pain of economic duress]
in hopes of cleansing and purging myself do I bow down and humbly confess
I’m surrounded by white collar criminals
[cooking account books and eating sliced ham]
I’m surrounded by white collar criminals
[cooking account books and eating sliced ham]
when I don’t join the proceedings they snicker and make me feel damn
I wonder sometimes am I really so better than them
I wonder sometimes am I really so better than them
like I’m penicillin and they’re just vials of phlegm
God’s gift to the righteous is a publishing deal
[he’s as watchful and just as an owl]
God’s gift to the righteous is a publishing deal
[he’s as watchful and just as an owl]
or I could pose for a calendar flexing my biceps and wearing a permanent scowl
do I dare burn a bridge to gain a small advantage now?
do I dare burn a bridge to gain a small advantage now?
I’ll do what I can
I’ll do what I bestly know how
I wonder sometimes am I really so better than them
I wonder sometimes am I really so better than them
maybe they’re the penicillin and I’m the vial of phlegm
Appears on Las Vegas or Bust
the only reason I bought a house
I needed somewhere to pace
you can move in one direction on the sidewalk
go in circles
they’ll call you insane
last time I checked this was a carpet
inbred flies
fifteen dollars a jar
this is the part where I walk into walls and pretend that I’m going down stairs
the architect told me the blueprints were wrong
well who am I to doubt him?
I took a tour of the basement
there was a man’s best friend tryin’ to make a meal out of me
I saw the menacing look in his eyes and knew he wasn’t bluffing
I said “okay, the people upstairs
eat them, spare me”
he nodded and drooled
I undid his chain and slapped at his gut and yelled
“go get ’em, Killer
go get ’em”
upon my signal he blurred across the room
he would’ve gone farther if not for the wall in his way
he bounced up against it three times in a row
that dog is dumber than bricks
we go in figure eights from the kitchen to the den
through the living room to the kitchen again
Appears on Whaleocopter
goes a little something like this
why you gotta
here we go
why you gotta
heh heh heh
why you gotta
check it out
why you gotta
Appears on Wintry Mix
my boss is his boss
his boss is her boss
her boss is my boss
boss boss boss
what’s your favorite book?
what’s your favorite movie?
what’s your favorite dance, the Watusi?
and if you had to kill yourself how would you do it?
we need a reduction in force so do it yeah do it
the other day we had a reduction in force
I mean we had a workplace questionnaire
don’t be scared
I was the second to respond and I wrote ditto underneath
smeared ink ’cause I’m left-handed and I gritted my teeth
I’m minding my beeswax
you mind yours
I’ll look back a couple days later
just feeling pretty pointless
just feeling pretty pointless
if you must know
if you must know
joke’s on me
the questionnaire was a prank
set up by the file and rank
rank and file
if that was an attempt at employee morale it missed by a mile
thanks in advance, pal
on a scale of 1 to 10 what’s your job satisfaction? why are you sitting in the lounge relaxing?
get back to work
where do you see yourself in 5 years?
get back to work
what’s your favorite band?
what’s your favorite movie?
what’s your favorite dance?
can you boogie?
and if you had to kill yourself how would you do it?
we need a reduction in force so don’t do it
do it
my boss is his boss
his boss is her boss
her boss is my boss
boss boss boss
what’s the charge code for saying god bless you?
what’s a charge code for finding a tissue?
what’s the charge code for asking about charge codes?
what’s a charge code?
reach out
circle back
take this offline
I’ll work on my assignments
you work on mine
got too much on your plate?
you can’t take the heat?
what do you bring to the table?
don’t take a backseat
Appears on Some People Don't Know What to Do with 20 Dollars
I have a device in my head that commands me to wander the streets
I follow my orders and never ask why
it’s rendered me silent and weak
my father drove a cab in New York City
my mother wrote computer code
if there’s irony here it’s lost on me
I’m the world’s first and last random number generator
tell an acquaintance that you have a twin
no one will ever believe it
some people won’t even give a response
they’ll just look at you like you’re a martian
I been stoned since new year’s eve on magnesium sulfate
I catalogued my favorite points of view
my circuitry can only store so much
I wish I could be more than schematics and equations
I wash my hands till they’re dried out and cracked
then check every lock from outside
then brush my teeth till the bristles are bent
and I still wear a retainer at night
a psych major might call me obsessive-compulsive
there’s no denying my behavior is odd
I’m keeping a record of how often I do these things
I’m the world’s first and last random number generator